Last week I think I stumbled on to something. Well… I attacked something out of pure disgust. My buddy Big City always said Fantasy Football was just luck. ExtraBeezy says it lately too. I disagreed for years because I believe to was about hard work and gut feelings. I have now changed my mind. Fantasy Football is all about luck. Luck is just getting the better end of probability. Probability can be manipulated with hard work and gut feeling but it all really comes down to luck.
Calling Fantasy Football sleepers is the ultimate examples. It is taking chances knowing you already have the short end of the stick. Last week I decided this weekly column will no longer be about me trying to find the diamond in the rough but rather just make outlandish claims. If you are going to go you might as well go hard. Leave it all on the field. Booiiiinnnnk!
Brian Hoyer vs. Buffalo - Brian Hoyer spent years as Tom Brady’s backup. The last two weeks he looked like Tom Brady vs. Cincinnati. Let’s face it, Buffalo’s defense is not that great. They will make Brian Hoyer looks like Tom Brady again. It will be so convincing Giselle will hand him her “honey-do” list then sleep with him. It’s gonna be awkward to say the least.
Ryan Fitzpatrick vs. Kansas City - Fitz “Magic” as my brother-in-law called him in his Buffalo day is going shred Kansas City’s defense. There I said it. So what that they have given up the 2nds fewest points to oppossing QBs so far this season. So what if they are currently the #1 fantasy defense. So what! So what that Ryan Fitzpatrick is not a good QB. So what! Can I change my pick? No!!?! Ok fine! Fitz “Magic” is going to thrown 4 TDs on Sunday! There I said it!
Johnathan Franklin vs. Detroit - The forgotten rookie RB in Green Bay ran all over Cincinnati when given the opportunity. Everyone loves Eddie Lacy because he was a big name in college. Johnathan Franklin is going to prove he is the better pro back this week and will prove to be the best option in Green Bays running back committee. He also will teach all the deer in Wisconsin to look both ways before they cross the street.
Brandon Jacobs vs. Philadelphia – De’Rel Scott was straight up released by the Giants this week. That leaves Jacobs and David Wilson as the only usable RBs on the Giants roster. Yes the Giants seem terrible this year! I know! But they can still move the ball and Brandon Jacobs can still score TDs. He will score a TD this week. No, he will score 2. He will also look super slow and out of shape.
Josh Gordon vs. Buffalo - You have already read how I feel about Brian Hoyer. Who is going to catch all those Tom Brady-like TDs? Josh Gordon! That’s who. Oh yeah and Jordan Cameron. Josh Gordon is going to break out this week like Cameron did in week 1. Then he will be traded to Detroit, like Trent Richardson was trade to Indianapolis in week 3.
T.Y. Hilton vs. Seattle - On Seattles pass defense is sooooo great. Why don’t you marry them! Well who is Richard Sherman going to be covering? It’s not going to T.Y. Hilton. The Colts will score points and I have a sneaking suspicion Hilton is going to catch a TD pass this week. I know he will. My time machine is finally functional and I watch this game. The TD happens with :32 seconds on the clock to tie the game. What a finish! Oh and the 2nd episode of Homeland sucks. Just DVR it. Trust me. Carrie and Brody have sex. That weird agent guy kills someone. Saul makes peculiar faces and touches his glasses. Things blow up! I guess is not that bad. Just watch it.
Mychal Rivera vs San Diego - I truthfully have not idea who this guy is. I dont even know what team he plays for. Is it the Panthers? No I think it’s the Raiders. Well this motherfucker is going to catch a TD pass and it will be amazing. A diving one too.
Dallas Clark vs. Miami – Dallas Clark will be at the grocery store on Friday with his son. He will walk past the bakery department and the lady behind the counter will ask if his “grandson” would like a cookie. This really hits home with Dallas. Does he look that old? That evening at dinner he doesn’t speak. His wife ask “Honey, is something wrong”. He tells her what happened at the store. His wife replays “Well honey, you are not as young as you used to be”. This sets off a 20 minute training montage leading into Sunday.
On that day, the old Dallas Clark returns. He shows all those young punks that he is still an elite NFL TE. His performance is amazing. He block, catches passes, runs for TD and even blocks a punt. The team walks off the field with him on their shoulders. He signs a shoe deal with Nike. Next week everyone will pick him up. He will then suffer a career ending injury lifting a case of water at the grocery store.
Rams vs. Jacksonville – I need an easy one.
How I did Last Week
HIT! – Colin Kaepernick vs. St. Louis - 17 points – It’s better that he has been. I am so sick of seeing this dudes face everywhere. I saw it on a bus on my lunch break. I live in Pittsburgh.
MISS! – Tony Romo vs. San Diego - 23.1 Points – Not bad but I thought he would shred the Chargers. I guess they are better than I think.
HIT! – Le’Veon Bell vs. Minnesota - 22.4 points – Boom! Nailed it! Just because the Steelers don’t win does not mean they cannot move the ball.
HIT! - Darren McFadden vs. Washington – 2.9 points – I called he would get hurt. That happened so I am giving this one to myself.
MISS! – Aaron Dobson vs. Atlanta - 1.5 points – Tough to call New England pass catchers. He is the 3rd or 4th options, drop him.
HIT! – Vincent Brown vs. Dallas - 7.6 points – Better than he has been! 7 receptions is not bad!
HIT! – Rob Housler vs. Tampa Bay -2.8 points – He did not get the TD but he did deliver the baby. She is adorable. Her dad is so proud!
HIT! – Lance Kendricks vs. San Francisco – 7.1 points – TD babY!
MISS! – Jaguars vs. Indianapolis – -3 points – You didn’t start them did you? Stupid!
Blair Walsh vs. Pittsburgh