*If you Google “Madness”, just pictures of these dudes come up.
I missed my picks last week. I let you all down. This season is crazy and tough to predict. I was never a fan of Colin Kaepernick. I though he was another ESPN darling that gets all his press because he had 2 or 3 good games. It’s like Tim Tebow or Jeremy Lin. ESPN falls for these “dreamboats” and praises them as Hall of Famers before they even achieve anything. I don’t have to tell you that though. If you watch SportCenter you know what I mean. ESPN has stooped so low as to compare Jeremy Lin to Magic Johnson. ESPN falls hard and love is blind as hell.
Back to Kaepernick. He had what, five good games last year and Ron Jaworski is calling him one of the greatest of all time. Me, as a ration human laughed at Jaworski:
“I truly believe Colin Kaepernick could be one of the greatest Quarterbacks ever!”
I know he was not saying he already is but lets pump the breaks a few times. I did not believe in Kaepernick entering the season what so ever. Then on the night of my Fantasy Football draft I had too much to drink. Each team had 2 keepers so things got hairy real quick. Impairment starts with the 1st drink. I had the 1st pick so I picked at the turn of the 4th and 5th rounds. With two keepers that is really the 6th and 7th round. The draft was very thin at that point, especially QB. My 6th and 7th picks would be far away and QB were moving fast. I stared at Kaepernick and RBIII, my draft plan destroyed and my rationality struggling to resist the Tequila. I ended up choosing Kaepernick. The experts cannot be wrong right?
I entered week 1 filled with anxiety over the pick. I have the NFL RedZone and the 49ers played the Packers at 4pm EST. I got to see what my QB was all about. He proceeded to thrown 4 TD and over 400 yards passing. He made me a believer! I went to work the next day singing his praises. Colin Kaepernick is the man! I was wrong about him.
Entering Week 2, I felt relieved that I at least had my QB. I made the right decision. Colin Kaepernick is a badass. I left Week 2 shaking my head. Seattle’s defense is very good but my man Kaepernick looked like crap (6 points). I will chalk it up to great defense. I entered Week 3 still feeling good about my QB situations still. Week 3 just ended and I am now looking for a QB. I chalk Kaepernick’s Week 3 performance up to not being that good. Just like I originally suspected.
What I am starting to realize is the NFL is not about parody like they intended. It is about unpredictability and that makes Fantasy Football all about luck. Are you feeling lucky this week? I’m not, so I am just with old fashion craziness.
Colin Kaepernick vs. St. Louis – People, like myself are going to jump off the bandwagon. ESPN will turn on their crush and start trying to “date” Sam Bradford or another favor of the day. People, like myself will bench him and he is going to throw for 3 TD and rush for 1. It’s gonna be a flexing, muscle kissing bonanza.
Tony Romo vs. San Diego – Tony Romo is going to go all “Mr. Perfect” on San Diego. He is going to thrown a TD pass to himself.
It’s going to be crazy! People are going to be watching from the stands like “Whaaaaaaaaaaat????”. Jerry Jones is just going to smile because he always had faith that Tony could do it. Tony Romo will then proceed to make lemons out of lemonade. It’s going to be crazy!!
Le’Veon Bell vs. Minnesota - This game is taking place in Sunny London, England and the Big Ben references are going to be sickening. I’m going to do a drinking game around them. Every time a picture of Big Ben (either) or the word Big Ben are said, you drink. With all the stupid puns and terribly dry english humor, Le’Veon Bell is going to shred the Vikings terribly dry run defense. He will save the Steelers season and earn a terribly dry automobile nickname.
Darren McFadden vs. Washington – One week after passing for more yards than he ran for, PASS-DMC is going to rush for 150 yards and 2 TDs. On the next play from scrimmage he will suffer a high ankle sprain and be out six weeks. That is what he does! You are going to lose your Fantasy Football game by 2 points. Everyone will be disappointed.
Aaron Dobson vs. Atlanta – Everyone is going to be super happy they drafted Kimbrell Thompkins just to be really sad that Aaron Dobson gets the TDs this week. They will curse at Tom Brady and damn his fabulous life to hell. What you don’t realize is Tom Brady hates you, personally and is doing it on purpose. Just to piss you off! He knows your lose will be humiliating, that is why he didn’t throw to Thompkins once. You better go write swear words at him on Twitter. That will show him @StinkyFace633.
Vincent Brown vs. Dallas – Who is Vincent Brown? He is the WR that everyone told you was San Diego’s #1 headed into the season. He was going to be a target monster rendering every other WR on the team useless. Well 8 catches in 3 games later no one remembers who he is. You will this week when he has 10 catches!!! That is right…10 catches!!! Now I am going to juggle knives then microwave them.
Rob Housler vs. Tampa Bay – Oh they don’t throw to him? Rubbish I tell you. Wait what? One catch in 3 games? Can I pick someone else? No!!? Why not?!? Come on!!! I just picked at random. Ok F’ it. Rob Housler will catch a TD this week and it will be spectacular! A diving catch while delivering a baby.
Lance Kendricks vs. San Francisco – Lance Kendricks actually does get some decent targets for a TE you never heard of. He was a pretty high pick (2nd RD #15) in 2011 too. People picked him to be semi-productive a few years back if I remember correctly. Well if you waited this long, the time is now. Lance Kendricks catches a TD this week. All that loyalty is finally going to pay off St. Louis Rams and ultra-desperate Fantasy Football team owner. You earned it.
Jaguars vs. Indianapolis – So what that the Colts have scored the 4th most points against opposing Fantasy Defenses. So what! So what that the Jaguars gave up 45 points to the Seahawks last week. So what! People say don’t mess with a crazy person right? Well one of Jacksonville’s RB Jordan Todman “shhhhh’d” the crowd after scoring while down 21 points. That’s pretty crazy. I wouldn’t want to mess with this team. No sir!
Blair Walsh vs. Pittsburgh – It’s not easy to kick in the rain and I don’t know much about London but it never rains there. Right?!?