Bucco fever*** is an infectious disease which most commonly affects citizens of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in the Springtime. Symptoms include compulsive MLB merchandise purchasing, raised attendance at PNC Park and utter disbelief. Bucco Fever is usually spread by winning baseball games. There is no vaccine, but the disease is effectively treated with August or Steelers training camp. Most of the clinical features are caused by winning streaks and unearned optimism.
Before the “Sid Slide”, Bucco Fever was a major cause of enjoyment. It could also cause late complications such winning pennants and possibly the World Series, all of which were commonplace and often expected at the time. In more recent time Bucco Fever goes away by itself but is replaced by extreme anger and heartbreak.
**I just jacked the Scarlet Fever definition off Wikipedia and changed that shit.
Today, July 2nd 2013, the Pittsburgh Pirates have the best record in Major League Baseball and hold a 2 game lead in the NL Central standings. Bucco Fever is at it’s peak. On Monday the major sports news publications put out their MLB power rankings. On top of each of those mountains is the most unlikely of teams. The lowly Pirates have become the darling of all major sports in America.
Do you know what that means? Bucco Fever is spreading at an alarming rate. At this rate there will be no safe place in the the United States, let alone Pittsburgh. People in Alabama will be wearing El Toro t-shirts and placing Jolly Roger flags on the front of their houses. People in Jacksonville will be posting “Raise the Jolly Roger” on Facebook after each Pirate win. Lunchtime in downtown Buffalo will consist of massive groups of people wearing Zoltan t-shirts mumbling about Jeff Locke’s K/BB ratio. Bucco Fever is spreading, watch out people! Hell ESPN has it and LeBron James in not even on the team.
Don’t worry Bucco Nation, I have contacted the CDC (Center for Disease Control). We tweeted Dr. Oz in hopes that he has a cure. He never responded so I assume he is off working on a it. It’s going to be a shake and gross but that is ok. I have been stockpiling food for weeks now just incase it does not work. If Bucco Fever is not stopped by September there are going to be some epic parties in October. I’ll bring a taco dip!
If the Pittsburgh Pirates happen to be playing in the MLB Playoffs in October, and the Steelers are winning, the North Shore may be destroyed. Not like drunk hillbillies after Kenny Chesney, Pirates and Steelers fans are not assholes. Both teams winning would be the equivalent of crossing streams in Ghostbusters. No one knows what would happen but it ends up being amazing. I think that is why August and Steelers’ training camp were invented in the first place. The city of Pittsburgh could not handle that level of excitement.
Vendors in the Strip District would become extremely wealthy while much Pittsburgh would be stricken with poverty as a result of compulsive t-shirt purchasing. Chukky Okobi will become the biggest rapper in the country. All of the wildlife in the greater Pittsburgh area would disappear from fear of the constant “Let’s Go Bucs” and “Here We Go Steelers” chants. It would be tremendous! Wait, I just realized the NHL season starts in October. God help us!
All kidding aside that could and should be happening every year. All three major Pittsburgh sports teams should all be playing meaningful games in October. If the Pirates fall apart this year I don’t know what will happen. I feel they have just crossed the point of no return. The hope for JUST .500 baseball is gone, long gone. At this point, today June 2nd, .500 baseball would be a major disappointment. If the Pirates make it to September 20th in 1st place and don’t make the playoffs that too will be a disappointment. It is playoffs or bust at this point and there is no turning back!
We, the infected with Bucco Fever, earned and deserve this! The magic number for above .500 is 30 games today. The Pittsburgh Pirates need to surpass that by August 15th. That is very fair in my eyes. Get it over with and we can concentrate on what needs to happen. Playoff baseball at PNC Park!! I will be there no matter what the cost is, my wife has absolutely no say in the matter!! I also will not purchase tickets until the Pirates clinch though. But at that point, it might be too late…